Caitlyn
Member
Hi, I'm Caitlyn everybody knows who I am but Its kind of hard trying to figure out what to start off with. In all honesty, this post is probably going to be one of the most unexpected things you will read on this forum. This shit is probably going to be pretty long, make no sense and whatever although reading it will be appreciated. I might sound crazy but I promise from my heart I'm being 100% serious in this post.
So everybody has a bruh moment in some point in their life right? Ok, that was an unfunny and horrible way to explain it, (I bet you already think I'm crazy when reading this lol) But seriously at least once in a person's life, they are going to come to realizations or reflect on their life in some way. Whether it is from a failure, a pet dying, a family or friend passing, breakups, or simply a mental break down. All of these things, including more, are all things that can cause you to reflect on life. Sometimes you spend a little time reflecting on specifics in life, sometimes you reflect on your entire life, maybe even feel sorry for yourself and trying to find a way to feel sympathy for yourself. Its a lot to think about, but it happens.
So before I say anything else, no I'm not looking for sympathy, no I'm not trying to fix reputation or anything like this, I swear to god on my great grandpa's grave fully writing this from the heart.
So now I will be 100% honest no bullshit. Just btw this is really really awkward and the hardest thing ima ever write, but anyway I spent some time alone, maybe a bit too much time alone. But... well it was enough to wind up getting me to cry over losing a video game, I don't usually cry over video games but I've had a rough time recently, Id say it had been long enough since I had actually bursted into tears. Especially over something so stupid.
I had been pretty stressed out, transferred schools because I simply never tried hard enough to get good grades, I definitely do not like continuation school and not looking forward to having to do an extra year of high school because I fucked up. I also have some family issues well, a lot of issues with my family. Let's just say everyone is over the top stressed out and usually upset with each other. I try to stay out of it, If anyone has had an alcoholic in their family I'm sure they know what I'm talking about. I also take care of my grandma with my mother who has severe dementia and her brain has basically gone down the drain, although I never really cried or tried to think about it much. Anyway back to me bursting out in tears, well I was laying in my bed pouting wondering why my team always sucks because im salty. Then I started to feed off my other problems which don't help at all and just make me sadder. I had my door open and I saw my grandma wandering in the hallway, she has dementia really bad and basically has no idea what to do and is basically always lost. My grandparents were a huge part of my life, I mostly got along with my grandpa and spent a lot of my time with him. My grandma, I also loved but to be fair never spent as much time, I never really cried over dementia or thought about it probably because I honestly didn't care enough. But just in that moment is when I really got the feels. Basically, for the first time, I cried over it and helped her to bed, ended up going down the path of crying while thinking about all the memories with the person, and how she is basically gone and doesn't even remember me. I then really reflected on my life as a whole and why I have the problems I have now. I went on an emotional phase of wishing I did a lot of things in life differently. Like spend more time with my grandma and love her more. Being nicer to people and trying harder in school.
I write about this not for sympathy, or for anyone to feel sorry for me. I write for context and what started me to feel this way. But overall the main point of me telling you ALL of this is because EVERYONE has something at home. Everyone is stressing about something everyone is pulling their hair out and SUFFERING over something. Well maybe not everyone but probably most of us. Everyone has a past and everyone has been through something. People are self-conscious struggling with their weight, drug addiction, depression. Everyone has been shaped and raised in their own ways that make them who they are now, sometimes not how they want to be. Sometimes you act like you're the shit but when you are alone you cry your eyes out. Everyone wants everyone else to understand them, nobody except yourself will be able to grasp whatever bs you are dealing with. I know my family has issues and they are stressed out. But they are probably like that because my mother and father both have alot to deal with, putting food on the table for my entire family. Taking care of my little brothers and helping make sure my lazy ass doesn't drop out of high school.
Most of us probably play on the internet for a way to escape life, have fun, not be constrained by how people judge your looks or the clothes you wear. A place where you can be you or even have a different attitude. Reborn is a place where alot of us just want to play and half fun, be wanted and loved in a community. A place where anyone can become something great, a place where as long as you put in the effort you can become a god, damn super admin. A place where everyone is here for the same reasons and have the same but different interests... if that makes sense?
What I've thought about is how I've personally interacted with people online in general, as well as most recently Reborn. Online I can be whatever I want and treat people however I want and say what I want with almost no repercussions. I know I wouldn't talk to anyone in real life like how I do in reborn, I mean this is a negative way. I've come to realize I have been a major cunt to put it lightly. This isn't really asking for people to accept an apology more or less something I want to say to everybody genuinely. I've said and done things that I would never do or say to anyone in real life, I've caused a lot of problems because of a way I've decided to be to people online. But not only online, but IN real life I feel as if I haven't been a "nice person". I definitely have not been making efforts to comfort others as much as I put into discomfort others.
I usually hold grudges, I normally hold onto them tightly. I usually am out for some sort of revenge when I feel wronged. Although wether then I believed right or wrong in EVERY Situation ever here on reborn. I forgive all of you, I'm not saying you did something wrong but I personally forgive everybody and anyone here for literally everything. I respect all of you. I really really have realized that fighting online is counterproductive and accomplishing the opposite of why I'm here.
I realize that whenever myself and anyone fights, we don't usually tend to care for others feelings. (especially me) Usually, with the mindset of its the internet, it doesn't matter whos behind the screen. What I never understood was that everyone wants to have fun and just probably get away from life, insulting and fighting them can be hurtful and I will never understand what that person could be dealing with at home. I never understand how my comments could impact someone else lives. I've fucked up a lot and trust me it's not like reborn is the first place I've ever said something fucked to someone else. I really respect those who have decided to reform themselves and try and make others feel better about themselves. Some of the most heartwarming shit you can experience is when another human being shows appreciation or love. I know how it feels to be treated like shit and Its always wrong to do it to someone else, just because I'm unhappy with my life to doesnt mean I should go and try and damage someone else's.
Ima sound like a hippie but I honestly love all of you and IF I could give each of you a hug I would right now, especially to those who I've really messed with. Im happy that I can hopefully end a large portion of toxicity here in reborn and hopefully relieve a lot of stress from staff. But anyway I just want everyone to understand that we should all remember that whoever we are talking to HAS feelings and has their own problems, sometimes what you say can be impactful on someones entire life.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this
Im not looking for sympathy or forgiveness, I just want to spread a positive message and change myself to be more understanding and caring when interacting with others. I know it's unexpected and hard to believe since im the most toxic person on reborn, but I hope this makes your day a little less stressful and the forums a little more peaceful.
So everybody has a bruh moment in some point in their life right? Ok, that was an unfunny and horrible way to explain it, (I bet you already think I'm crazy when reading this lol) But seriously at least once in a person's life, they are going to come to realizations or reflect on their life in some way. Whether it is from a failure, a pet dying, a family or friend passing, breakups, or simply a mental break down. All of these things, including more, are all things that can cause you to reflect on life. Sometimes you spend a little time reflecting on specifics in life, sometimes you reflect on your entire life, maybe even feel sorry for yourself and trying to find a way to feel sympathy for yourself. Its a lot to think about, but it happens.
So before I say anything else, no I'm not looking for sympathy, no I'm not trying to fix reputation or anything like this, I swear to god on my great grandpa's grave fully writing this from the heart.
So now I will be 100% honest no bullshit. Just btw this is really really awkward and the hardest thing ima ever write, but anyway I spent some time alone, maybe a bit too much time alone. But... well it was enough to wind up getting me to cry over losing a video game, I don't usually cry over video games but I've had a rough time recently, Id say it had been long enough since I had actually bursted into tears. Especially over something so stupid.
I had been pretty stressed out, transferred schools because I simply never tried hard enough to get good grades, I definitely do not like continuation school and not looking forward to having to do an extra year of high school because I fucked up. I also have some family issues well, a lot of issues with my family. Let's just say everyone is over the top stressed out and usually upset with each other. I try to stay out of it, If anyone has had an alcoholic in their family I'm sure they know what I'm talking about. I also take care of my grandma with my mother who has severe dementia and her brain has basically gone down the drain, although I never really cried or tried to think about it much. Anyway back to me bursting out in tears, well I was laying in my bed pouting wondering why my team always sucks because im salty. Then I started to feed off my other problems which don't help at all and just make me sadder. I had my door open and I saw my grandma wandering in the hallway, she has dementia really bad and basically has no idea what to do and is basically always lost. My grandparents were a huge part of my life, I mostly got along with my grandpa and spent a lot of my time with him. My grandma, I also loved but to be fair never spent as much time, I never really cried over dementia or thought about it probably because I honestly didn't care enough. But just in that moment is when I really got the feels. Basically, for the first time, I cried over it and helped her to bed, ended up going down the path of crying while thinking about all the memories with the person, and how she is basically gone and doesn't even remember me. I then really reflected on my life as a whole and why I have the problems I have now. I went on an emotional phase of wishing I did a lot of things in life differently. Like spend more time with my grandma and love her more. Being nicer to people and trying harder in school.
I write about this not for sympathy, or for anyone to feel sorry for me. I write for context and what started me to feel this way. But overall the main point of me telling you ALL of this is because EVERYONE has something at home. Everyone is stressing about something everyone is pulling their hair out and SUFFERING over something. Well maybe not everyone but probably most of us. Everyone has a past and everyone has been through something. People are self-conscious struggling with their weight, drug addiction, depression. Everyone has been shaped and raised in their own ways that make them who they are now, sometimes not how they want to be. Sometimes you act like you're the shit but when you are alone you cry your eyes out. Everyone wants everyone else to understand them, nobody except yourself will be able to grasp whatever bs you are dealing with. I know my family has issues and they are stressed out. But they are probably like that because my mother and father both have alot to deal with, putting food on the table for my entire family. Taking care of my little brothers and helping make sure my lazy ass doesn't drop out of high school.
Most of us probably play on the internet for a way to escape life, have fun, not be constrained by how people judge your looks or the clothes you wear. A place where you can be you or even have a different attitude. Reborn is a place where alot of us just want to play and half fun, be wanted and loved in a community. A place where anyone can become something great, a place where as long as you put in the effort you can become a god, damn super admin. A place where everyone is here for the same reasons and have the same but different interests... if that makes sense?
What I've thought about is how I've personally interacted with people online in general, as well as most recently Reborn. Online I can be whatever I want and treat people however I want and say what I want with almost no repercussions. I know I wouldn't talk to anyone in real life like how I do in reborn, I mean this is a negative way. I've come to realize I have been a major cunt to put it lightly. This isn't really asking for people to accept an apology more or less something I want to say to everybody genuinely. I've said and done things that I would never do or say to anyone in real life, I've caused a lot of problems because of a way I've decided to be to people online. But not only online, but IN real life I feel as if I haven't been a "nice person". I definitely have not been making efforts to comfort others as much as I put into discomfort others.
I usually hold grudges, I normally hold onto them tightly. I usually am out for some sort of revenge when I feel wronged. Although wether then I believed right or wrong in EVERY Situation ever here on reborn. I forgive all of you, I'm not saying you did something wrong but I personally forgive everybody and anyone here for literally everything. I respect all of you. I really really have realized that fighting online is counterproductive and accomplishing the opposite of why I'm here.
I realize that whenever myself and anyone fights, we don't usually tend to care for others feelings. (especially me) Usually, with the mindset of its the internet, it doesn't matter whos behind the screen. What I never understood was that everyone wants to have fun and just probably get away from life, insulting and fighting them can be hurtful and I will never understand what that person could be dealing with at home. I never understand how my comments could impact someone else lives. I've fucked up a lot and trust me it's not like reborn is the first place I've ever said something fucked to someone else. I really respect those who have decided to reform themselves and try and make others feel better about themselves. Some of the most heartwarming shit you can experience is when another human being shows appreciation or love. I know how it feels to be treated like shit and Its always wrong to do it to someone else, just because I'm unhappy with my life to doesnt mean I should go and try and damage someone else's.
Ima sound like a hippie but I honestly love all of you and IF I could give each of you a hug I would right now, especially to those who I've really messed with. Im happy that I can hopefully end a large portion of toxicity here in reborn and hopefully relieve a lot of stress from staff. But anyway I just want everyone to understand that we should all remember that whoever we are talking to HAS feelings and has their own problems, sometimes what you say can be impactful on someones entire life.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this
Im not looking for sympathy or forgiveness, I just want to spread a positive message and change myself to be more understanding and caring when interacting with others. I know it's unexpected and hard to believe since im the most toxic person on reborn, but I hope this makes your day a little less stressful and the forums a little more peaceful.
